It has been exactly four years to the day that you took your last breath on this earth. That’s 35040 hours, thousands of heartbeats, hundreds of moments and an unthinkable number of times I have tried to call you. Just to hear your voice. To feel your presence. Breath your air. Soak you in. Get annoyed with you on the phone, fight, argue, cry, laugh, joke.
Some days it feels like I just talked to you and others it feels like your entire existence was just a distant dream. The kind you wake up from and beg the dream gods to fall back into. If you lay still enough, maybe your body will not know it woke up and you will sink back into that luscious dream, wrapped in sunshine and happiness. Where nothing bad can happen and no one you love is ever taken from you before their time. Where life is fair and good things happen to good people.
Fortunately and unfortunately your existence was NOT just a dream and you were on this earth just long enough to teach me what I needed to know to be an independent woman. Secure in who I am. A fighter. So today instead of letting the sadness creep in and paralyze me, I chose to do the thing that I love, photography. In all the millions of things I wish I could tell you, the number one thing I would tell you was that you helped me find purpose. Even when you are not here in the flesh. You continue to be my guiding light, just like you were here on earth. Daddy, you are my why.
When people ask why I got into photography it all stems back to you. It started when you passed away one week before we were scheduled to have professional photos taken. One year later we were spreading your ashes and instead of letting that moment slip by as well, I decided it was time to purchase my first real camera with the life insurance money you left me. Even to this day, my passion for capturing moments pushes me f
rward because OUR moment was taken from us. One week daddy…..one week. Now all I can do is try and press into people that life is too short NOT to capture today. The small moments, the big moments, the moments that seem so trivial until you can’t have them anymore. What I wouldn’t give to have a photo of the face you made when you were proud of me. When you laughed, when you smiled, when you joked with me. All I can do is let this feeling be my why.
There have been a million big moments I wished I could have shared with you, but I know you are watching. I know how proud you must be. I know when I took the leap and started m
y own company you watched with such joy in your heart because it’s what you always wanted for me. I know every day you make my dreams possible and it is the best gift you could have ever left me. Still I would trade it all to have you here. Be able to hold your hand, have you walk me down the isle one day, go on long runs with, talk to on the phone and most importantly get advice from. Every day you are missed but none more than this day, September 24. So until I get to be with you again daddy, a thank you is in order. For making me believe anything is possible, that I am good enough, that I deserve the best. You will continue to be my why and for that I am eternally grateful.
With a hopeful heart and all the love in the world,